It is a beautiful blessing when a new baby or child comes into our life. Our whole world changes as we devote our best to the newcomer of the family, both physically and emotionally. For many couples, children continue to be the main focus for many years after that and as a result, their intimate relationship then gets put on the backburner. They often find themselves disconnected from one another, feeling too tired and too exhausted for sex/intimacy. Over time, they settle for a ‘roommate’ based situation rather than experiencing deep love, connection, intimacy and passion in the relationship. Children are the biggest test for your relationship and that’s the truth. They magnify any gaps, any differences in terms of life perspectives, values and personalities. Without the effort to nurture your relationship, these gaps will become bigger and bigger over time, until one day it’s too late to turn things around. While the blame for marriage breakdowns can never be laid on our kids, the impact children can have on our relationships is significant.
It is quite common for couples to get stuck in this ‘passion-less’ phase; but it doesn’t have to be that way. The reason why I’m telling you this is because I personally know what it was like to feel too tired to do anything. I remember the first few months when I had my daughter, I was too exhausted to feel like doing anything else but to sleep. We were constantly ‘on edge’, feeling like fights and arguments could just happen at any moment. Sitting here and reflecting back on those moments, I’m super grateful for the strong foundation of our relationship and the strategies that we’ve learnt over the years which supported us through the challenging times.
I know it can be very tough for parents to juggle their work, life, family and relationship. So today, I’m going to share with you the exact strategies we used to significantly transform our level of connection, intimacy and passion.
1. Prioritise yourself
When you constantly feel tired, drained and exhausted, you’ll have no patience for anyone or anything else. You can’t give from an empty cup – make sure that you prioritise your health, energy and emotional wellbeing. My husband and I realized the thing we stopped doing after having our daughter being born was to have our personal time to recharge our ‘batteries’. So, we booked time out for self-care, a massage, bubble bath, sleeping time, catching up with friends were amongst the things I started doing again whilst hubby enjoyed being in his ‘man cave’, spending time with mates etc. The fuller your ‘cup’ is, the more you get to give and contribute to your relationship.
2. Schedule time for each other
Research has shown that couples who schedule time for sex and intimacy end up having more than those who don’t. This doesn’t necessarily mean ‘pants off at 8pm’, it just means that you have something to look forward to together and that you already set aside the time for the things that are truly important in your relationship.
3. Bring back the romance
Can you recall those fun dates and surprises that you two used to have? When children come into the picture, romance is usually the first thing that gets thrown out the window. Tony Robbins has said “Do what you did in the beginning of the relationship and there won’t be an end.” This is now the perfect time to re-create those magic moments you used to have. Romance doesn’t have to be expensive, time-consuming or daunting. In fact, one of our favourite things to do after my daughter went to bed was to ‘camp out’ in our living room with some lit candles, chocolates and cuddles. Romantic and budget friendly!
4. Daily Connection rituals
Research has shown that couples who have daily rituals to connect, end up having more success in their relationship in the long term. It makes sense. Relationships, just like any other area of your life requires effort, commitment & dedication. Spend 5 minutes each day looking into each others’ eyes without talking. The purpose is to allow yourself to just be present. It may seem strange or difficult to stay silent and present for 5 minutes. So when you do this, just keep saying this in your head “I love you, I adore you, I worship you”. This practice truly allows you to connect to each other at a much deeper level because you silence any distractions or noises and become more in-tune with one another.
5. Create a container of safety and security
When a woman doesn’t feel supported and emotionally safe, she’ll withdraw and sex/intimacy off the table. Realising this has taken our relationship from a place of frustration during those early months to a place of deeper understanding, connection and love. We constantly communicated about our feelings, where we were at, what needed to happen for me to feel safe and supported. He learnt to ask simple questions such as “How can I best support you?”, “What needs to happen for you to feel safe?” This level of openness recreates trust and security for us to explore our intimacy.
6. Intimacy is “Into Me You See”- starts with oneself.
For a couple to truly build the level of love, connection and intimacy they desire, it has to start with self. This is especially true with mums. There can be a lot of trauma happen ‘down there’ and it does take a bit of time for you to feel more ‘yourself’, more comfortable with exploring and being intimate. Once I felt more comfortable being intimate with myself, it definitely took the pressure of being intimate with my hubby. The more pleasure you experience with yourself, the more pleasures your body will desire. Something I strongly recommend to do regularly.
7. Have fun together.
When was the last time you had fun purely for the sake of having fun together? Remember those times when you would giggle, laugh and be silly for no reason? Most of the time, the fun things that couples do involve their children or family activities. Find new ways to put some fun, energy and excitement back into your relationship, with just the two of you. Remember, you were two before you became three, four, five or more. This can be the perfect time to do things you have always wanted to do, learn something new, get some new hobbies to do together etc.
I work with couples to help them deepen their level of connection, intimacy and passion in relationships so if you would like some support, please send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org
Jane Nguyen Author, Speaker, Transformational Dating & Relationship Coach, NLP Practitioner and Level 2 Meta Dynamics Consultant
Jane Nguyen empowers strong, independent & powerful women to create the best relationship of their lives. Her clients come from all walks of life, whether it’s about re-inventing themselves after a nasty relationship breakup, wanting to attract a more conscious and loving man into their lives; or wanting to save their relationship from the brink of break up or divorce.
Jane is the ‘go-to girl’ for people who want to experience transformational change in their relationships. Jane comes from a background of a 6-year abusive relationship (both physically & emotionally). After leaving that relationship, Jane devoted many years of her life in the space of personal development to find out the key ingredients to create a successful relationship. Using her signature “Feminine Power” coaching method in her programs, workshops and retreats, Jane teaches women how to tap more into their Feminine essence and shine from the inside out, to attract a man and a relationship that allows them to be all that they can be.
Jane is an author of the book “Honeymoon Forever” which is available at 40 bookstores Australia wide including Dymocks, Collins, Book topia etc. She is also a contributing author of 3 other inspiring books that arm people with the skills and knowledge to be the best version of themselves before theywalk into relationships.