Q: Is this normal in a relationship?
My relationship is a little troublesome. I have been in relationship for 14 months now. What started as simple annoyances now becomes a lot more difficult. She’s angry at me but doesn’t say what is wrong. And moments after she says she wasnt angry at all and that I started the fight? She has become really controlling and pressuring me to not have any contact anymore with some friends, especially female friends whom I have known for decades. She can be very very nice and sweet sometimes and then moments after gets really angry.
I took the relationship checkup test at www.relationshipbloom. It said that my relationship need some improvement and graded it a 4.4.
She is very controlling and pushes my not to see friends anymore whom I know for decades. Especially female friends. Tells me that friends are talking behind my back or not respecting me enough. But most of the time she is very sweet. But I can’t predict these switches.
Also she pressures me to promise a lot of stuff. She has access to my passwords for social media and email. And has a lot of criticism on me. But I think she wants to improve me. She really can’t handle criticism btw. A slight remark turns my sweet girl into something I honestly don’t recognize. Then she becomes very mean.
I am getting physically really tired by this. Don’t know what to do. Is this normal and is it just me?
A:When you asked “is this normal in my relationship?”, it really depends on each relationship and what boundaries and rules are set up between partners.
From what you shared, all I can say is that there are deeper issues than what is on the surface. The fact that you have to go and get a relationship check up test tells me that deep down you know there is something going on, but still need some external validation. Every relationship needs improvement, however, it depends on whether the couples are actually compatible in the first place. Because if they aren’t, it doesn’t matter how much one tries to change themselves, it won’t work out because you won’t feel like you can be completely yourself when you are with her.
Her anger has very little to do with you. What this means is that she might have some deep issues in the past (whether it was to do with her parents or past relationships) and you actions/behaviours might trigger those emotions. Everyone has 2 side to them, the sweet, fun, loving side as well as the shadow side (i.e. emotions like anger, fear, resentment etc. ) There is nothing wrong with having anger, fear, etc.; it’s all to do with how you handle those emotions. You can’t be responsible for making her happy, she needs to take that responsibility. She sounds a bit insecure in herself, hence the controlling behaviours. Without hearing her side of the story, I don’t want to jump into any conclusion here. It sounds like she might have some trust issues and there is a lack of trust in the relationship for her to completely feel assured that you hanging out with your female friends doesn’t mean you are going to cheat. And if you feel like you have to give her access to your social media and email so she can trust you, there is seriously something else going on that are not addressed.
What I would suggest is for you to sit down and honestly think about how happy you are in the relationship, what does you ideal relationship look like?, what can you do & take responsibility for to improve the relationship?, What are some key issues that need to be addressed?, Do you love this person and willing to fight for her and the relationship? (Not just the feeling of being comfortable in a relationship). I also suggest you both to sit down and discuss openly about these issues. Start with that, and if you discover that you can’t do this yourself, there are plenty of help and support around and i’m more than happy to have a session with you both.
Q: Is it normal to not enjoy sex?
I’m 27 and had sex for the first time just over a year ago, as I was about to turn 26. I’ve suffered with vaginismus for quite a few years (basically being unable to have sex because my muscles down south would close up tight and not allow anything to penetrate me, if anything forcefully did it would hurt like HELL) but I am now able to have sex (mostly) pain free. Part of me thinks that might be the cause of this, idk, but I genuinely do not enjoy sex. At all. Like there is zero pleasure in it for me physically. I enjoy being close to my partner and all that emotional crap but physically there is just nothing going on. Now I’ve only had sex with the one person so maybe it’s them, or maybe it’s me, or maybe it’s both? I don’t know.
Is this normal? I assumed there were pleasure receptors inside of me that would go off when a man entered me etc but nope, nada. It feels good for a split second when he first enters me but beyond that I feel nothing at all. Obviously I haven’t told the person I am sleeping with this as it would destroy him. I just wish I could enjoy it and not have to act like it feels good when it doesn’t. ><
A: Ok I’ll get straight into it. NO. I don’t like using the word ‘normal’ as that’s a matter of perspective however it is unusual to not enjoy sex.
Let me explain the vital difference between a man and a woman. Women were created with the ONLY anatomy organ that was designed with 1 purpose and that was to provide ‘pleasure’. Every organ in our body has more then one purpose except for the clitoris. So if we consider that information, its logical that if we have something created for pleasure only if your not experiencing pleasure then you need to dig deeper.
I’d like you to consider another angle to what you have been diagnosed with. I personally hate labels put on things as the reality is it sits in your conscious and subconscious brain and creates havoc when maybe, just maybe, the root of the issue is not the label at all.
I’ll diverge for a quick second.
Vaginismus is painful spasmodic contractions of the vagina in response to physical contact or pressure (especially in sexual intercourse). I had a client come to me with this same condition. When we started to dig what we discovered is this started after she gave birth the first time. Every time she had sex she was in pain. What was happening was any time anything came near her vaginal canal everything clenched up. I asked her if she had had drunken sex and her answer was yes. I asked her if she experienced the same pain and she said no. Conclusion: her body was reacting to the trauma she experienced through childbirth. Once she understood this ‘trigger’ that was creating a muscle memory reaction she was on the way to a pain free sex life!
We have worked with a few practitioners that practice the teaching of the yoni egg and yoni massage. In the classes they explain that many women that have never been able to use tampons have this issue as their vulva has reacted to a traumatic experience. This may have happened this life (and you have blocked it out) however….it may have happened in a previous life (I know for some of you reading this depending on your beliefs this notion is a stretch into the woo woo land however I have seen this situation first hand).
Once you learn about your situation from this angle, realise your not alone, and research and work with alternate practitioners, your opinion about the label your doctor gave you will change dramatically and disappear.
Granted I am going to add on the sex side make sure you do 90% foreplay before any penis is inserted. What most people do not know is the vaginal canal is like a penis. When a man is aroused his penis grows in size and gets erect. When a woman is aroused this also happens internally and the woman vaginal canal expands. So whenever a small woman in size says she will not be able to have a large penis inserted…this is incorrect. During arousal, blood flows to the genital area, and sexual excitement causes the upper two-thirds of the vagina to lengthen by forcing the cervix and uterus to ascend. The vagina also self lubricates to help ease penetration (feel free to actually use a high grade lubricant also).
To add to that there is a saying “If your in your head your dead”. So you need to get out of your head when in the bedroom.
So here is my conclusion to your question,
1. Get out of your head
2. Make sure when you are with your partner you are aroused enough BEFORE penetration
3. Seek professional alternate advice to determine the root of your vaginal trauma
4. When you have been on this journey hold on to your pants chicka cause the ride is gonna blow your orgasmic mind!!